I’m feeling extra snarky today. Be prepared.

I’m feeling extra snarky today. Be prepared.

PROVEN, WRITTEN BY EXPERTS, HERE’S THE CLICKBAIT TITLE THAT SCREAMS “THIS WORKS!”

Greetings, friends, and welcome to another Must Read. I’m feeling extra snarky this week, so grab your coffee, roll up your sleeves and get prepared to take notes.

Is there anything better than yet another email that “promises to get results,” is “guaranteed to work,” and brings “exponential growth”? Heck, you probably get so many of these emails that you don’t know who to believe. I mean, if this is so easy, why isn’t everyone growing?!

Well, today, it’s my turn! I know how to properly number a list like the best of them, and I can control+B me some catchy titles like nobody’s business (I am a professional marketer, after all).

Polly’s oh-fishul list of the TOP 10 TRICKS TO PISS OFF YOUR READERS. (You’ll never believe what happens next!)

#1. Add people who haven’t asked to be added. Because nothing says “we care” like spamming people with information they’ve never asked for. Very brand-defining.

#2. Email people all the friggin’ time. Raise your hand if you’ve ever ended up on one of those never-ending onboarding campaigns, like the Hubspot ones where you’ve downloaded a single document and Jenny and Seth now email you EVERY DAMN DAY wanting to share some tidbit with you. Don’t be Jenny, Seth, or Hubspot, unless you want this kind of book written about you.

#3 Don’t email them often enough. You know you love it when that ex-coworker (whom you have absolutely zero relationship with) invites you once a year to his latest gift-required event?! Yeah nah. Don’t be that guy.

#4 Make unsubscribing hard. Oooh, a personal fave: passive aggressive copy and tech designed to make subscribers ask, “did I want to leave this list because it isn’t relevant or because they’re assholes?” Guaranteed to leave people with a bad taste in their mouth. Great for diminishing referrals and generating poor social reviews.

#5 Act like a fake friend. “Hey, Jane, I haven’t seen you in soooo long. How’s summer treatin’ ya?” If that communication was real, it would go through gmail, not mailchimp. Can someone make a series where Jane is also a newsletter account and both accounts can use AI to generate responses and they go on to have the best darned e-friendship ever?

#6 Call everyone {FNAME}. Because the intent to personalize is what counts.

#7 Use a non-reply-able sending email address. Nothing like some good ol’ fashioned one-way communication to scream, “I want your money, not your questions”.

#8 Add lots and lots and lots of bling. And a seizure-warning. Emphasize your message by hiding it in a maelstrom of gifs+fonts+colors+clip art.

#9 Don’t format for mobile. Because nobody reads mail on their phones these days. We like having to zoom and pan.

#10 Leave your personality at the door. I mean, readers are only bombarded with 120+ emails per day. Write a boring, overly-professional, robotic-like email and watch your unsub rates soar! GUARANTEED!

There ya go, wine-readers, a surefire way to impact your newsletter subs. Stay tuned for more excitement next week!

I’m so glad that you’re with me on the snarky days. Have a super awesome Sunday, friends.

[photo credit: Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash]